Sunday, May 6, 2012

I could commit the perfect crime.

I love any kind of crime show. I love everything about forensics and trying to figure out "who-done-it." In fact, if you're one of the few people reading that don't already know, my biggest aspiration is to find a dead body. Not a whole body, just a part. Preferably a finger or maybe a leg from the knee down. I don't know why, I just do. I was hoping my dreams would come true during one of the four summers I worked for Parks. Nope.

Every now and then, I'll hear about a body that was found in our city or a few cities over. Everyone at work automatically knows to send me their condolences. I think I need to get a better game plan, it seems most corpse sitings happen in the middle of the night. That's my problem right there. I'm going to have to plan some excursions.

Just a few months ago, a contractor came to our work and told us a story of how he went to his building to grab a generator, opened up the gate and found a man's leg. WHAT? Label me jelly. Even worse, he just left it there for a WEEK before calling the cops. I'm not sure what I'd be more excited about, finding it or being the first one to notify authorities. day...

Anyway, back to crime shows. It all started with Are You Afraid of the Dark. when you're a kid, that title sequence is just about the scariest thing there is. Picture it: Sicily, 1922 A row boat that's swaying in the lake filled with blue fog. An empty swing that's still *gasp* swinging. The sound of chains followed by...wait for it...a clown. I know, terrifying.

The next show I remember being obsessed with was Unsolved Mysteries, ya know, before they moved it over to Lifetime (and I'm pretty sure it's since been canceled.) That show scared the crap out of me and I loved it. I can hear the theme song right now...
The best part of that show was obviously the "Unsolved." Knowing that there was a killer just lurking somewhere was totally scary awesome.

Then there was America's Most Wanted. I used to watch this at age 12 at my dad's house when it aired at midnight (okay, think it was 9pm but to a twelve year old, that's late.) Let me tell you, hearing "The suspect is considered very dangerous by the FBI and was last spotted two days ago in Detroit, Michigan." is not the most calming thing to hear as a kid. I just love the unknown.

My mom has always watched Forensic Files so that must be where I picked that up. Seriously, one of my top 5 shows of all time. Probably top 3. The theme song is freaking awesome but the best part about it is the narrator. Peter Thomas. Also heard on the Burger King commercials and, if you live in Michigan, the Beaumont Hospital ads. "Do you have a Beaumont doctor?" Ugh it gives me chills and I love it. If he ever stops narrating that show or HEAVEN FORBID passes on, I will see no point in continuing to live. Which is bad for me considering he's gotta be at least 70 by now. Forensic Files is one the greatest crime shows in history, and I'm not being funny. I'm dead serious. Pun intended. Sadly, I've slowly stopped watching this show for a few reasons. A.) It's only played late at night or really early in the morning. 2.) Since that channel switched from CourtTV to TruTv there's more Ursula looking broads towing fake cars than murder mystery shows and D.) I no longer get TruTV in my bedroom, Comcast clearly has something against me and insists on gives me every other channel but that one.

On to 2012, aka the year I discovered the ID channel. Hands down, the best channel ever invented. My favorite part is that they play crime shows all day and all night. No matter what time I turn it on, there's a 90% there's a good show airing. Just don't get me started on the host of Dark Minds and his frosted pompadour. This channel changed my life. Dramatic, I know. This is the sole reason I'm keeping Comcast. How pathetic is that? Everything else about that company sucks. But right now, I don't think anyone wants to see me going through Investigation Discovery withdrawals. It wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure. I love the variety of shows and the majority of them are good. (I can't score them lower just because I've seen about 60% of the stories on Snapped, Forensic Files, 20/20 or E! Investigates ;))

One annoying thing about these true life crime shows, though, is the interviews with the family. For once I'd like to see an honest interview about a victim. Maybe it's just in hindsight how each person is remembered in a positive light but instead of the old "She was always happy, always smiling! She was the best thing to happen to this town..." Maybe someone tells the truth? Maybe she was kind of a bitch? Or maybe she was just alright and wasn't the straight A student that had big things going for her? I gotta be honest, if something horrible happened to me, I'm not so sure everyone would be talking about how pleasant I was. Maybe that's something that gets you killed in the first place. If all those families are telling the truth, then only the optimistic, cheery, light-of-your-life kind of people get murdered. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've got to catch up on this Scorned marathon, you know, to prepare myself for the new episode tonight. They clearly have me wrapped around their finger.

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